I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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