So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
