I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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