I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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