No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
