In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
