He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The air was thick with penises
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
