She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
