Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
