A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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