from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
