Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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