you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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