dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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