Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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