areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
