just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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