She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
