Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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