Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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