never play flip cup with pint glasses
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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