So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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