the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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