Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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