Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
