Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
