At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
