highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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