Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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