I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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