I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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