I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i drank out of a bidet.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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