Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
