sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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