her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
