So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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