I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
