after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
