New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
