T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
