Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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