Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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