Do you still have your period?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
