Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
