Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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