i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
