the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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