Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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