imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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