Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
