My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He shit in the fireplace
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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