My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I won't apologize to a one balled man
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
